missing

because today I slept late
and woke feeling sluggish
and achy
and you weren't home
already out,
doing whatever it is you do
and I wondered about that
for only a minute
until it made my head hurt

because the coffee was opaque
and I couldn't work up the energy to make more
afraid that I would make too much
or not enough
if you were to come home and want some,

because the sky was blue
and clear
and the day called to me
"go for a walk, get some fresh air."
but I answered back
without making noise
that I hurt too much
would not accomplish enough,

because the leaves rustled,
tumbled down the road
and the trees cast shadows on the walls
and I hid from them
not wanting them to see that even they-
rooted to the ground
were doing more
and moving more
and changing more than I,

because it was five o'clock,
and then it was six,
seven,
eleven,
and you still weren't here
like you hadn't been here yesterday
and the day before
and the day before,

because people called
and sent me notes
and tried to appeal to my common sense
and non-emotions
to convince me that everything happens for a reason
and that I would keep going
whether I wanted to or not,

because of all of that
and because you were the one person
the only person
who could have
would have brought me some relief
but didn't-
I will hide from the trees again tomorrow
and the next day
and the day after that,
until they don't scare me anymore,
and even then...