spectator

she's younger than I am.
she's younger than I am and engaged.
I suppose I shouldn't care
shouldn't be surprised
shouldn't feel less than
and deflated
but it is something that I can't help most times now.
"That would be me if only ..."
as if that means anything.

It's more than me
this feeling of unimportant
how pathetic is that?

We live out our lives in comparison
and never realize that we're always better off than someone
except the one of us
who isn't.

I've come to envy all of them
all of us
the pretty
the happy
the engaged and moving on
the grieving
the trying
the failing
those of us
we can't ignore
because their pain is too loud
it would be something
and I would belong to them.

But I don't.
and I'm older than she is.
and she's engaged.

and another thing

i really am doing my best here.
i'd say it hurts me that you won't see that-
but i know how much that would bother you.

ramble

it's autumn here
and we are slowly winding down the year
the countdown has started
and it's hot when the sun shines directly down
and there is no wind
or one is indoors
as I should be
and only then
the rest of the time
we exist in what is unseasonably cold
for this time of year
though we remind ourselves
to be thankful
that it is a cold breeze
and not a slow-moving chain of tornadoes
that ripped open the heartland last week.
and we are
I am
thankful for knee socks
and hot coffee
in paper cups with cardboard sleeves
because they create a momentary
break in the otherwise
almost unbearable cold.

And it has been unbearable.

the first six months
we thawed from the sudden frost
that coated our exteriors
and cracked against the everyday strain.
The past five and half months
we have spent in pensive dread
keeping ourselves busy
hoping we will wake
on that day
and forget-
be washed clean.
it's less than four week away now
I don't want it to come
and bring another influx of news crews
but it would be nice
to stop treading water
and swim
or sink
anything is better than this now.