99

it simply isn't possible
for me
to be two places at once
so when I sit quietly
waiting for the minutes to pass
so I can go home
where I will fix work problems
before I head to work
where I will fix home problems

problems are not convenient.

problems come with friends
and wreck the furniture
tell you they'll only be here a day
maybe two
and a week later
they won't pick up
the less than subtle clues
that they are no longer welcome
were never really welcome
but you let them in
because you're a decent fucking person
and that's what decent fucking people
fucking do

fuck.

problems can be fixed.

problems refuse fixing without a fight
I've never had a problem
I could fix in a minute
anything you can fix in a minute
isn't a problem
it's a task.

tasks are easy.

problems are cunty bitches.

fuck them.

21

because I can't

it's too much to admit
to know
to understand

that it might have been forced
and not just a mutually really bad idea
after a really bad day

it may have been something
actually horrible
not laughable
as I made it

and does that count?
Is going with the flow
because it doesn't occur to you to stand against it
make it rape?

and I wonder how long i will debate with myself
if I told him I didn't want to
but then didn't enforce it
and convinced myself to enjoy the brief moment
before the self-loathing boiled in my throat
then could I really complain?
Did he really do anything wrong?
And could it have just been
the ingrained shame
from too many years
of denying the truth
that after a while,
the slightest touch from a male
was enough to make me gag
my skin itch
and sting.

Because I can't
claim that pain as my own
claim that experience
admit
join the ranks
proudly calling themselves survivors
until they go home
to not sleep
again.

that's not my fight
not my life
not my history.

I don't think.

It can't  be.

Systemic

It is not lost on me.

The privilege
To be born
middle class
destined for an education
I learned to read
and write
and think.

That privilege is not lost on me.

That I am one of the lucky many
born white
in a country that denies
it ever had a problem.
Never had a problem.
"It's not a problem"
is a problem.

Lucky.
One of the many.
Lucky that I went to college.
Made it through the long nights
the seminars
the lectures
the awful food.
Made it through the fear of failure
and came out the other side
smarter,
wiser,
un-raped.
That I know what happened to me
was not assault.
misguided
and mutual
and regrettable
but not assault.

That luck is not lost on me.

I should not be so lucky.

It should not be luck
that determines how
and if we survive.

It should not be lucky
White
Safe
Surviving.

It should not be luck.

That it is, is not lost on me.