that's it?

i'm sorry.

i just don't have it in me

to be happy for you.

L

a wash

Today
the day I woke up tired
and fell back asleep to the sound of your hair dryer
and the tortoise-shell cat
the attention-whore
who chirped
and hopped onto my bedside table
to dip her head into my water glass
and i watched her
half-asleep
eyes half open
too tired to give a shit
that she licks her ass with that tongue
and you shooed her away
because the thought of kissing me
after I took a swig of that
was too much for you to bear
or you were just protecting me
from some ridiculous disease
that people die of
in their kitchens
before their cats finally eat their faces
and you brought me fresh water
but I didn't drink it
because it wasn't coffee
and I wasn't awake
when I kissed you good morning
and goodbye, have a good day
I love you
I'm not sure if the water was still fresh
when I finally drank it
I didn't think about it
until the glass was half-empty
or half-full
and then it was too late
and now it's nearly time
for the long drive home
to sit with you
and talk about all the things
that made today
a triumph
and a failure
and just another day
until you fall asleep on the couch
just as your book is getting good
and we'll crawl into bed
to do it all again tomorrow
because it's all there is
and it's good enough for now.

Come Back and Visit Sometime

you're leaving me
years after I walked away
said "I'll see you later"
and never called again.
I sent cards
tried to keep you up to date
but the feeling that I was intruding
was oppressive
and it choked
it dampened
it extinguished the knowledge that I should
and replaced with the wish that I could.
Shit. I'm stupid.
I'm sorry.
Shit.
I'll tell the others everything.
That's my take-away from this.
I'll tell them all of it
and hope the part of you that we will carry
will hear it too.
And I miss you
more than I can explain
more than I imagined.
Thank you for entrusting this pain to me
and this family to watch over.
I will not take lightly this responsibility
and I will not forget
you loved me
as a person
as a friend
and I will never not believe you
or stop loving you back.

hide and found

I see you.
I see you, and I don't know if you see me -
or if you even think about me.
I see you.
Sitting there.
Saying nothing.
And on the one hand-
I'm fine.
On the one hand I'm ready to walk away
say it is what it is
leave your decisions up to you
and go on without you.
But the other hand is heavy
and it presses against the spaces between my ribs.
It clutches and grips
twists and pinches my skin.
And it hurts
to see you
sitting there
saying nothing.