Those 15 months in acting school

I miss coffee bought off a truck from a man who never isn't smiling.
I miss sunrise on W 70th street.
I miss sunset in Washington Square Park.
I miss my city,
even when I'm there because my old neighborhood was 20 reinventions ago.
I miss my home.

I miss walking from class to home, 

the quarter of a studio apartment I shared, 

with a communal shower, kitchen, lounge, 

the cafe across the street with the classical pianist, 

and kind waiter, 

warm light, 

and soft chairs. 

I miss the water of the pond in Lincoln Center, 

outside the Vivian Beaumont, 

and the library. 

I miss the security that the plaza allowed me. 

I miss how the rest of the city faded into background noise, 

and it was just me on a bench, 

resting in the memory of the first time I traveled into the city without a chaperone, 

and saw the play that changed my life, 

the first of two, 

both dance shows. 

I miss floating back onto Broadway and 66th street, 

watching television stars, 

movie stars, 

Broadway stars walk past, 

and genuinely not caring about any of them because they were just people, 

except that one, 

and no, 

it isn't who you think.

I miss the fleeting feeling that I knew who I was.

I miss the dreams of the someday brownstone, 

next to the perfect hole in the wall restaurant, 

and the expertly curated shop of always perfect gifts to bring back on long weekends, 

both permanently shuttered.

I miss Variety and Backstage, 

and the Candle Bar. 

I miss the cafe on the corner, 

and the bakery down the street. 

I miss how the air smelled when it rained in August, 

and how that was enough to make me forget that I was unhappy.

I miss the laughter. 

I miss the hollow in my stomach, 

the arch of my arm in ballet, 

the self assuredness in my voice when I sang. 

I miss the view from the second floor, 

the way the arched windows with multiple panes,

always dirty,

reminded me that I was just one person in a line that stretched back decades. 

I miss the promise I made myself. 

I miss thinking I was unstoppable.

I miss my city.

I was alive there.