of late

i can remember - so clearly
the catholic school years
those mornings you'd wake me and make me french toast
my feet never touching the floor.
i remember when childhood tasted like maple syrup and orange juice -
before i liked it that way.

i can remember being that six year-old
before i felt that i had to earn something

i can remember the years that were lean
when you were working,
or busy,
or elsewhere
and i went to the father-daughter dances with no relation of mine
so many times
that when you came that one year i didn't like it
and didn't want to go again
and didn't.

i remember asking you, when i was fourteen
why you spent so much time with people
who weren't ever me
and you told me that they were your family
and you loved them
and instead of feeling anger
or hurt
or anything else one might expect
i turned around and went back to my homework
only mildly shocked by your idiocy
and my nonchalance.

i remember the first time you said you were proud
and at nineteen i had no faculties
no response
nothing but fear
and awe
and slight irritation that i waited for something that was hollow in the end

i remember retreats
i remember camps
i remember ministries that i strained to fit myself to
i remember memorization
and drills
and prayer circles that made it hard to breathe
and led you to think i needed therapy

i remember seeing the fear in your face
you were so terrified that what everyone was saying might be true
and when i asked if that would really be so bad
you only stared straight ahead
afraid to look at me
afraid to admit that i might not be what you expected
what you wanted
want you felt you deserved

i remember being too scared to walk away
making it all the way to twenty-six before i understood
that if things keep you awake
and introduce themselves to you as wrong
then maybe they are

it's strange
i can remember all of these things

i can remember loving you
the way a child does
i can remember hearing you say that you loved me.

i can't remember when i stopped
i can't remember when i gave up believing you
it was that long ago -