a calendar ago

there are days
when it didn't happen.
when i didn't spend the day in my pajamas
unable to turn away
turn it off
and went to work the next day
just to get away from it
my cowardice allowed
by my ignorance
because i didn't know
i knew anyone.

there are days
when i don't miss them-
wish i'd been a better friend, to her
a better person.
when i don't think of him
and how i don't know
how to be there
for his mother
his brother
who i thought of so fondly
but i let get away from me
because life is busy
and no one had any time.

there are days
when i am not consumed with regret
for not remembering
lessons i have already learned-
when i am not pursued
by sadness for something i was powerless to prevent
and unable to change
so i didn't even try.
none of us tried
we didn't know we had to
some of us did
but we were safe
and happy
and protected
not yet catapulted into madness.

there are days
when i am not randomly angry
then terrified
weepy
resolved
days when i do not pull off the bandage
to check on the healing
and inadvertently tear the skin again
open the wound
and start the process all over.

there are days like that.

i assume

anxious

it's cold out tonight
not unseasonably
but still
it is cold
and it is drizzling
the way it's supposed to
in November
but it's December
so
it should be snow
But still
it's only drizzle.
I keep catching myself
watching for your car
whenever there's a strong wind
which is more often than not.
And I just want you to come home.

spectator

she's younger than I am.
she's younger than I am and engaged.
I suppose I shouldn't care
shouldn't be surprised
shouldn't feel less than
and deflated
but it is something that I can't help most times now.
"That would be me if only ..."
as if that means anything.

It's more than me
this feeling of unimportant
how pathetic is that?

We live out our lives in comparison
and never realize that we're always better off than someone
except the one of us
who isn't.

I've come to envy all of them
all of us
the pretty
the happy
the engaged and moving on
the grieving
the trying
the failing
those of us
we can't ignore
because their pain is too loud
it would be something
and I would belong to them.

But I don't.
and I'm older than she is.
and she's engaged.

and another thing

i really am doing my best here.
i'd say it hurts me that you won't see that-
but i know how much that would bother you.

ramble

it's autumn here
and we are slowly winding down the year
the countdown has started
and it's hot when the sun shines directly down
and there is no wind
or one is indoors
as I should be
and only then
the rest of the time
we exist in what is unseasonably cold
for this time of year
though we remind ourselves
to be thankful
that it is a cold breeze
and not a slow-moving chain of tornadoes
that ripped open the heartland last week.
and we are
I am
thankful for knee socks
and hot coffee
in paper cups with cardboard sleeves
because they create a momentary
break in the otherwise
almost unbearable cold.

And it has been unbearable.

the first six months
we thawed from the sudden frost
that coated our exteriors
and cracked against the everyday strain.
The past five and half months
we have spent in pensive dread
keeping ourselves busy
hoping we will wake
on that day
and forget-
be washed clean.
it's less than four week away now
I don't want it to come
and bring another influx of news crews
but it would be nice
to stop treading water
and swim
or sink
anything is better than this now.

start again

the leaves have been orange for weeks
and they trip over each other
on their way to
wherever they end up.

I feel like I should know this.
poets are supposed to know these things.

But I honestly have no idea
what happens to the leaves when they die
where they will go where they're gone from here.

They go to the ground
and after that
I don't know.

a saturday off

I wrote yesterday.
finally.

behind the foundry

there's a pavilion
by the river
if you can call it a river
behind the coffee shop
the third coffee shop
that I've counted
next to the old country antique store
that is still an old country antique store
even though the foundation is crumbling
and I've never seen another person in there
besides the owner -

there's a spot
on this pavilion
where the fence is broken
and I have a three foot wide
unobstructed view
of the water
as it rushes in the spring
after it tires of being snow
in the summer it skips and jumps
over rocks in its way
and by fall
it grows weary of traveling
it talks and talks and talks
then sleeps a while
until it wakes again next spring
and it all starts over again.

the water doesn't care
for troubles-
it doesn't have the time
for pain
or sorrow
it only wants to move
and roll
past me
on the pavilion
by the hole in the fence
where I can see everything

leaving me behind.

and tomorrow is October

I had such hopes for today.
This afternoon,
I thought
I would spend writing
editing the next
great American novel
that I have yet to coax into a second draft.

"I will write."
I thought.
"I will write
and create -
sit in quiet
with only the brook for company."

But I grabbed the wrong notebook
the one where I had drafted
that letter
and saved the final copy
the letter to the community
last year
when I thought the world would end
after I knew about Lauren
before I knew about Ben
and I wouldn't have minded
the world ending then
everything was so cold
and dark
and I wondered
if the light would ever find us
show us what we were missing
while we were missing
who we missed.

But it started before the notebook
before my hand took liberties
made my handwriting
unrecognizable.

It started before I'd ordered my coffee
even as I started up the hill from the car
my mind already awash with new thoughts.

I might have still been on the highway
wondering if it always took this long
to get here
to the brook and the trees
and the rocks across the water.

It may have started that morning.
It's been nearly ten months now
and I still ache
for some sort of reconciliation
as if I have something
to admit
to confess
that I still feel guilty
for greiving
people I didn't know
and barely knew
so much so
that I don't create new memories
with people who are here.
I just hide in the shade
by the brook
down the hill from the cafe
where the coffee is always fresh
but never tastes the same way twice
and the country store
that is somehow still open
after everything.

Yes. I had such hopes of writing today.

It's too bad.

I won't do any of that now.

since ...

it was december that day
for so many days
it was december
and we sat and stared,
maddened
and sickened
denying what we saw
and all day long it was december
and the next day
and the next day
and the next day.

and the next day we stood in line
our toes pinched cold
and the Beatles blared against the frost
pushed back the sadness
"there are places I remember"
and the line was long
so long
and the moment was brief
but i meant what i said
though i forgot what i'd rehearsed
and as we left
i cried
because i knew what i hadn't known
what i would miss
and i ached
that i'd had to say goodbye
to a boy i'd never known
would never know
and the list of things i'd let get away from me
the names of people i'd forgotten
stretched out for miles
the whole drive home
and all that night
it was december.

december clung to us in sleep
infected our dreams
made one long day
of what had been two
and in the morning
we pushed into church pews
sat pressed up against walls,
on each other's laps
and i was angry
so angry at the reverend
who mispronounced names
and called on us to be thankful
told us to pray
and praise his holy name.
and i wanted to scream
i wanted to slam my fists against the marble
and cry out that
god isn't here
and
why should we thank him
and
how can we pray now
when everything is
the way it is
and for days
it had been december.

and everywhere else
it hadn't happened
everyone else
went shopping
and caroling
drank lattes
and cut each other off in traffic
and i sat and watched them
angry at them all
that their lives had not been altered
their routines were still routine
and i could not even enjoy a cup of coffee
because it could not warm me
it could not soothe me
and it seemed like it would always be december.

and now
i wash my face
i keep my hair from tangling
and i go about
the way things are
the way i have to do them
and i will watch and wait
and wait
and wait
for the ending of december.