21

because I can't

it's too much to admit
to know
to understand

that it might have been forced
and not just a mutually really bad idea
after a really bad day

it may have been something
actually horrible
not laughable
as I made it

and does that count?
Is going with the flow
because it doesn't occur to you to stand against it
make it rape?

and I wonder how long i will debate with myself
if I told him I didn't want to
but then didn't enforce it
and convinced myself to enjoy the brief moment
before the self-loathing boiled in my throat
then could I really complain?
Did he really do anything wrong?
And could it have just been
the ingrained shame
from too many years
of denying the truth
that after a while,
the slightest touch from a male
was enough to make me gag
my skin itch
and sting.

Because I can't
claim that pain as my own
claim that experience
admit
join the ranks
proudly calling themselves survivors
until they go home
to not sleep
again.

that's not my fight
not my life
not my history.

I don't think.

It can't  be.