a calendar ago

there are days
when it didn't happen.
when i didn't spend the day in my pajamas
unable to turn away
turn it off
and went to work the next day
just to get away from it
my cowardice allowed
by my ignorance
because i didn't know
i knew anyone.

there are days
when i don't miss them-
wish i'd been a better friend, to her
a better person.
when i don't think of him
and how i don't know
how to be there
for his mother
his brother
who i thought of so fondly
but i let get away from me
because life is busy
and no one had any time.

there are days
when i am not consumed with regret
for not remembering
lessons i have already learned-
when i am not pursued
by sadness for something i was powerless to prevent
and unable to change
so i didn't even try.
none of us tried
we didn't know we had to
some of us did
but we were safe
and happy
and protected
not yet catapulted into madness.

there are days
when i am not randomly angry
then terrified
weepy
resolved
days when i do not pull off the bandage
to check on the healing
and inadvertently tear the skin again
open the wound
and start the process all over.

there are days like that.

i assume