spectator

she's younger than I am.
she's younger than I am and engaged.
I suppose I shouldn't care
shouldn't be surprised
shouldn't feel less than
and deflated
but it is something that I can't help most times now.
"That would be me if only ..."
as if that means anything.

It's more than me
this feeling of unimportant
how pathetic is that?

We live out our lives in comparison
and never realize that we're always better off than someone
except the one of us
who isn't.

I've come to envy all of them
all of us
the pretty
the happy
the engaged and moving on
the grieving
the trying
the failing
those of us
we can't ignore
because their pain is too loud
it would be something
and I would belong to them.

But I don't.
and I'm older than she is.
and she's engaged.