since ...

it was december that day
for so many days
it was december
and we sat and stared,
maddened
and sickened
denying what we saw
and all day long it was december
and the next day
and the next day
and the next day.

and the next day we stood in line
our toes pinched cold
and the Beatles blared against the frost
pushed back the sadness
"there are places I remember"
and the line was long
so long
and the moment was brief
but i meant what i said
though i forgot what i'd rehearsed
and as we left
i cried
because i knew what i hadn't known
what i would miss
and i ached
that i'd had to say goodbye
to a boy i'd never known
would never know
and the list of things i'd let get away from me
the names of people i'd forgotten
stretched out for miles
the whole drive home
and all that night
it was december.

december clung to us in sleep
infected our dreams
made one long day
of what had been two
and in the morning
we pushed into church pews
sat pressed up against walls,
on each other's laps
and i was angry
so angry at the reverend
who mispronounced names
and called on us to be thankful
told us to pray
and praise his holy name.
and i wanted to scream
i wanted to slam my fists against the marble
and cry out that
god isn't here
and
why should we thank him
and
how can we pray now
when everything is
the way it is
and for days
it had been december.

and everywhere else
it hadn't happened
everyone else
went shopping
and caroling
drank lattes
and cut each other off in traffic
and i sat and watched them
angry at them all
that their lives had not been altered
their routines were still routine
and i could not even enjoy a cup of coffee
because it could not warm me
it could not soothe me
and it seemed like it would always be december.

and now
i wash my face
i keep my hair from tangling
and i go about
the way things are
the way i have to do them
and i will watch and wait
and wait
and wait
for the ending of december.